Match reports

LMCC V William Hills

By our correspondent on the spot: Hugh G Rection.

It was a game that had everything for the record breaking crowd; sparkling batting and bowling, athletic fielding, over 350 runs scored on the day, riotous drunken behaviour and it was all capped off by a streaking morris dancer.

You better believe it. Yes, LMCC have won their first match of the season, defeating a William Hills team who sparkled all too briefly in the afternoon sunlight before succumbing to the effects of one too many cheeky Stellas. Leading the way was Chairman Boots who scored a resolute 73 runs, providing support for a quick-fire 19 from his opening partner, the Happy Hippo, and a display of power hitting from Stinker who rattled up 37.

Suffering a maelstrom of verbal and physical abuse from the visiting team, and dropped three times, Boots stood firm in humidity so intense that it caused a sweat rash near his tezzers. He heroically displayed the same bloody-minded attitude that brought England their first victory on Australian soil in the Rugby international just over twenty-four hours earlier.

Who would’ve thought that the architect of Boot’s demise would be a visitor from foreign shores who has accepted his hospitality on several recent occasions? This Machiavellian character, fielding close in on the off side had every opportunity to miss the stumps with his throw, thus giving Boots the chance of closing in on a previously unimagined century, a moment he could’ve treasured for the rest of his life. Would Canada Jeff help propel his host into the archives of cricket history? Would he bollocks. He picked up the ball like a seagull swooping for an innocent tiny little silver fish, and threw it with the force of an explosion in a space shuttle and the accuracy of a sniper’s bullet. The stumps erupted in an orgy of splintered wood and Canada Jeff’s new friends mobbed him in a euphoric frenzy. Boots set off on the long walk back to the pavilion enduring more goading than the normal cricket immortal should be expected to take.

The Happy Hippo demonstrated the killer instinct of a hungry tiger when pouncing on the bowling to smote three successive boundaries. He looked likely to accelerate to a major score when, succumbing to the stench of alcohol and beer-guts from the close fielders, he mistimed a shot and was caught off The Swede’s bowling.

Who would’ve expected Stinker to push the innings forward in the manner he did. Technically insane and prancing like a newborn calf to the wicket, he promptly blazed away with the bat like a US missile system at a British fighter. Boundary after boundary until, sensing an historic half-century, he swung across the line and the death rattle of ball on stumps was heard signalling the end of a famous knock.

Spunky Harrison looked set for a major contribution however, after blasting his first four, he was victim of a ludicrously lazy piece of calling by Boots and was run-out. Only an immediate admission of guilt and a grovelling apology avoided Boots being beaten like a ginger stepchild.

Hunter Holloway mastered the edge of his bat to register a tremendous 26 (16 more than his dad), ‘young’ James Hart produced a measured performance for 12, Mungo went walkabouts and got stumped for nowt and ‘extremely young’ Jack guided Timbo Holloway through the last overs to finish the innings at 223 – 7. Marvellous.

Tea, provided by the Fuhrer Cricket Witch, helped by Dr Sally and Mrs Skip, was lovely, although several non-participants helped themselves resulting in Skip nearly starving to death.

When the Hill’s boy’s innings started it was quite clear that their talented edge was severely blunted by over enthusiasm at the bar, and the batting became increasingly desperate during the early evening.

A superb opening spell from Timbo saw off the first three batsmen and with ‘young’ James Hart at the other end, running in with the elegant grace of a hungry leopard chasing down a petrified baby antelope separated from it’s mother, it was always going to be an uphill fight for Hill’s Angels. They were actually ahead of the run rate by some margin after ten overs and, with Gazza Boardman & Steve Furness looking a solid, productive partnership, as the innings went on things began to look very interesting from the neutral’s perspective.

Enter Stinker. Taking the ball like Dirty Harry with his Magnum, he arrived on the scene and in his fifth over removed Gazza Board. The crucial breakthrough. Delirium followed.

Tight bowling from Spunky H and Skip (two wickets, the best of the day in many people’s view) ensured that Hills wouldn’t reach their target. Each successive batsman appeared even worse for wear than the previous one, culminating in Jules arriving at the crease and asking, "which way do I face". It was at this point LMCC knew they’d got them. There were spirited contributions throughout the remainder of the innings, notably from ‘young’ Nick Crookes and Canada Jeff, equalling his previous best score. It was too much too ask and Hills finally fell short at 140 all out.

When his grandchildren ask this correspondent about his memory of this great occasion, he will recall not the superlative batting, bowling and fielding. It will be the sight, towards the end of LMCC’s innings, of a pair of bright green underpants in which was to be found Stinker, running from the sanctuary of the stinging nettles at the boundary’s edge (or should that be Stinking Nettles), and streaking across the pitch with his only accessory a beanie hat and a blond wig. Brought down by a wonderful tackle from Hill’s wicketkeeper, Godders, Stinker left the pitch to a thunderous ovation with some in the crowd wondering if, in fact, those underpants were originally white but had been on long enough to become covered in moss.

The umpires were excellent.